Revenge Is a Dish Best Served Chilled
by Glaurung64
Summary: This story is, effectively, an AAR, based on the Shellshock Live video "GAME OF RAGE AND FAILURE! Derp Crew Disbanded," by ChilledChaos. The battle it is based on begins at 36 seconds into the video. I hope you appreciate this, YouTube.


General Chaos surveyed the battlefield as the tanks lined up on each side. This would be even battle, he decided. Three tanks against three more. He had brought with him his right hand man and crack shot, Colonel Galm, but also his newest recruit, Private First Class Smarty. They should average each other out, he hoped.

As the battle began, Chaos rolled towards the nearest enemy, hoping to gain a tactical advantage. He signaled his driver, and she opened the top of the turret. She began signaling to the nearest enemy tank in semaphore: F – R – I – E- N – D – L – Y. "We'll see if he responds. Good work, Sandy. Now, prepare to fire. Load the 'snowball,'" General Chaos ordered.

The loader prepared the shot, and the gunner aimed, planning a high arc going far over the head of the nearest tank, designated "Aphex." They were aiming for the farthest tank, "Z." On cue, the three friendly tanks fired in unison, sending death streaking down towards the enemies. Chilled observed the results of the shot through the periscope. Only one of them, Colonel Galm, had hit. Private Smarty's shot had gone wide, naturally, and Chaos' "snowball" round had taken an unlucky bounce off of the terrain near enemy "3579."

"Well, we missed. Aim farther next time, Jess," Chaos said to his gunner. "Now we will see how they respond. Will Aphex take up our offer?"

It did not take long to find out. Aphex rolled up, to point-blank range… and then _past_ Chaos' tank. The general breathed a sigh of relief. "He's friendly, men."

Just after Aphex rolled past, however, chaos broke out. The three enemy tanks fired simultaneously. Aphex's shot flew too far and 3579's too close, but Z had loaded some form of experimental weaponry. Large rocks looking like moons flew all across the battlefield, seeming to defy the laws of gravity. Explosions rang out from all over.

"What on earth was that? Damage report!" Chaos screamed into a radio.

"Negative on damage here," replied Colonel Galm.

Smarty radioed back, "We have minimal damage here, enough to scratch the armor but not break it. Nothing serious."

The general shook his head. Whatever that was, it seemed flashy, but not highly effective. He hoped that was the only trick Z had up his sleeve, but he could not rely on hope.

"We need air support to win this battle. I'll load a 'cactus' scatter round to distract the triple-A. You two call in airstrikes and fire beacons."

"Yes, sir!" replied Smarty and Galm in unison.

Within seconds the rounds were loaded, and then fired together. The cactus managed to effectively blind the two farther enemies, noticeably damaging both. Then, the airstrikes came in. "I have visual confirmation on the attack, General. The airstrikes have done significant damage to Z. We can finish him!" said the loader excitedly.

"Not yet, Rexxar. We'll first have to wait for their counterstrike."

"Of course, general," the loader replied. Chaos waited for the enemy's next move. It wasn't long before he could see three objects in the periscope. A "saw" round impacted near his comrades, and continued moving forwards, damaging both allies. But more intriguing to the general was the grenade fired by 3579. It landed very near Aphex, exploding practically on top of him. There was no damage to Aphex, but it made the general wonder: Was 3579's loyalty or competence in question?

"Aim for Z, gunner. Avoid hitting 3579 with this next shot. I want to see how he reacts," Chaos said. Soon enough, three more shots were flying towards the enemy. Smarty's fleet of flak missed, as usual. Galm's enormous round impacted 3579 dead on, dealing significant damage. But Chaos' innocent looking round ball would be the strongest of them all. Though Z would not know it, the apparently harmless shot was a beacon for the allied aircraft in the area. Within seconds, a bomber flew in and delivered his payload—right on top of Z.

"Do we have a kill? Repeat, do we have a kill?" queried Galm.

"I have yet to get visual confirmation. Too much smoke. Wait… Negative, target has not been neutralized. Repeat, negative on the kill," Chaos radioed back.

The enemies' reply to the attack was devastating. The near brush with death had apparently convinced Z to take an enormous risk—one which paid off for him. A "sniper" tank-piercing round hurtled out of the air with deadly accuracy towards its target—Colonel Galm. The shot flew straight through the entire tank, just barely scraping the fuel tank. Tank fuel began to leak out. General Chaos grimaced. He realized that he might soon be fighting one man down if he did nothing.

"Rexxar… load the experimental 'mega-quake.' We have to kill Z, now."

Rexxar's eyes went wide. The mega-quake had never been tested. It had a decent chance of killing them on use. But he knew better than to question orders. He loaded the materials into the gun.

With an incredible sound, the mega-quake sent shockwaves through the earth, selectively targeting only Chaos' enemies. Z exploded a shower of sparks and smoke. _And good riddance_ , thought the general.

Mere seconds after, he noticed colorful explosions just in front of him. "Private Smarty, was that your shot?" Chaos shouted into the radio.

"Y… Yessir! It was mine, sir!" he replied.

"That was your third miss in a row! You are demoted to Private Second Class! Why can't you just learn to shoot?" Chaos said angrily.

"Well… It's hard, sir."

Chaos sighed. Before he could respond, the enemies launched their counterattack. 3579 fired an explosive "piñata" round. Aphex, however, fired a strange-looking colorful attack. It connected with its target, ignited the leaking tank fuel, and Colonel Galm was no more.

Chaos felt like he had been punched in the stomach. The loss of his friend for years sent him into a furor. He went on a rampage, firing his next shot wildly, forgetting entirely about his plan to spare 3579, trying to do to him what they had just done to Galm.

But his shot was not enough to destroy 3579, and now both he and Aphex turned their guns toward Chaos. "APHEX! You treacherous, murderous, lunatic! I will make you all pay!" Chaos screamed. Rexxar loaded the next round hurriedly, but before he could manage it, the two remaining enemies fired. Aphex launched a "sun" splitting round. General Chaos took savage pride in the fact that it damaged 3579 more than himself. 3579, however, was far more calculating and effective. His high-powered "python" barrage ripped into the general's tank, warping the metal and seriously damaging its structural integrity.

Chaos knew he would not last long under the combined barrage of both enemies. He also knew the enemy tanks had one weakness: their underside armor. 3579's was exposed, the whole tank teetering on the edge of a cliff. He ordered his crew to load up a highly explosive "bow and arrow" shot, and fired with Smarty. Though Smarty's shot (yet again) missed, Chaos' connected. The "arrow" blasted the bottom side of the tank, severely damaging it and almost breaking through, while the "bow" began a fire on the underside of the tank. The fire went out too quickly, but he knew he had been close.

Chaos order his team to work quickly, frantically, on loading the next round. He noticed in the background the enemies' next barrage, utterly ineffective and wide of the mark. When both he and Smarty had loaded, he gave the order: "Fire!"

The saw launched forwards, arced across the ground with the force of its inertia… and ripped through the weakened underbelly of 3579, destroying his tank. Chaos' jubilance was interrupted, however, when he felt his tank shake. "What was that? Aphex hasn't fired at us. Is there another enemy?"

Just then, Smarty radioed in. "Oops, sorry. That was me. These 'guppy' rounds are really hard to aim."

"For the last time Smarty, just try not to hit me! Don't make me demote you again!" Chaos yelled back at him.

The battle continued, with Aphex firing a barrage of shots at the general, his closest target. As Chaos and Smarty fired their next volley, Chaos noticed that the pink round of his ally actually hit Aphex, for the first time during the battle. "Good job, boy! Keep that up and I may consider undoing your demotion!" General Chaos radioed to Smarty.

As he was speaking, though, Aphex was aiming. His next shot abused the same weakness Chaos had just minutes earlier on 3579. His direct shot to the underside of Chaos' tank ripped crucial bits of the tank to pieces.

General Chaos knew his tank had been fatally damaged. His only hope was to get close enough to Aphex that his imminent destruction would at least do some damage. He rolled up directly adjacent to Aphex, aimed, fired, and hoped for oblivion.

Yet it did not come. The shot connected, damaging Aphex, but his tank did not explode. Aphex rolled away, knowing the extent of the damage was dangerous to him too.

"NO! He's getting away! Don't let him! Follow him!"

"I'm sorry, sir. There's nothing we can do. The treads and wheels are too badly damaged. We're immobile," reported Sandy.

Chaos could only watch helplessly as Aphex fired a homing beacon at his tank. He saw the swarm of tiny, rainlike missiles fall down towards him. And then he saw nothing.

Private Second Class Smarty watched in horror as the missiles fell upon his commanding officer.

"Can you see? Is he okay?" asked the gunner, concerned.

"I can't see anything yet," Smarty replied. The smoke was too thick to see through now, but it was clearing rapidly. All too soon, it seemed, it was clear, and Smarty could see the ruined hulk of a tank where his general had once been. "No… He's gone. We're on our own now. But we have a job to do."

 _Smarty..._ called a voice.

"What? Who's there? Huh?" asked Smarty, looking around wildly.

 _It's me… Chaos. I have come to bring you a message._

"What message? Why?" Smarty inquired.

 _Use the tadpoles. They're highly effective if aimed accurately._

"Oh. Okay."

The loader loaded in the "tadpoles," and the gunner aimed and fired. The tadpoles went much too far.

 _Smarty…_

"What? What do you have to say now?" Smarty asked.

 _Don't make me demote you from beyond the grave._

"Oh. Can you even do that?"

 _Just use the force, Smarty._

"Well, I don't know how, but I guess I'll try."

The next grenade went too far as well.

 _Okay, this isn't working. I'm just gonna give you specifics. Fire it at an angle of 155 degrees, with a power of 68% of maximum._

"Well, why didn't you just say that before?" asked Smarty, angrily. "Do what he says, gunner."

The loader loaded, the gunner gunned, and the shot hit. The series of horizontal explosions badly damaged Aphex. But Aphex would not go down without a fight. He fired a group of varied "gravies" ordnance, and hit Smarty squarely in the front. Fortunately, Smarty's tank was still in good condition, and the armor was able to shrug off the blow.

Under General Chaos' ghostly direction, Smarty and his team worked together to fire the next shot: a "back-roller."

"Ready… Aim… Fire!"

The shot went too far… as it was planned. As its name implied, it began rolling backwards, the opposite of the direction in which it was shot. It rolled ponderously toward the Aphex tank. When it reached, it exploded. Aphex was no more.

"We got him, men! We have won the battle!" Smarty cried. The men leapt up in their seats, jubilant that they had survived where so many others had not.

"So, Chaos, what exactly were we fighting over? I never found that out," Smarty asked his new spectral companion.

 _Oh, Aphex beat me in a game of Monopoly…_


End file.
